Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
<—- homeless romantic
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow