First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Stop it! 😂
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.