[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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I am patiently waiting for your email
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*