Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.