New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Succinctly put.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.