This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
me and the Superbowl rn
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt