guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.