I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.