Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.