If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn鈥檛 even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman鈥檚 old tweets for anything problematic
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I think it鈥檚 time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
馃槀
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I鈥檓 not in the mood anymore.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They鈥檒l find us eventually.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I鈥檒l have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here鈥檚 actual footage of me finding out she鈥檚 found my account..
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.