[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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When I said I liked it rough.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together