Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that鈥檚 shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There鈥檚 enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it