date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE