protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.