I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
me 2 months after i graduated
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.