Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Penguins walking in 5x speed
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.