Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You Might Also Like
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
This is enough internet for the day.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.