I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Investing in beetcoin
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
so this horse walks into a bar
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.