My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.