“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
…u ok Nintendo?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.