The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.