What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.