*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
😍😂🥰😂😍
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
She: I like Cats
He:
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”