“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that