[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.