Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Seems legit
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying