[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
You Might Also Like
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan