Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
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[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Has science gone too far?
Customer is always right
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.