A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.