He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.