[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?