I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.