*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Twitter remains undefeated
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.