I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I need this for my side hustle.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant