I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
You Might Also Like
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.