I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”