Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
tis the season
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.