My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.