I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.