being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m having an out of money experience.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
me, after any kind of buffet.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.