You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Bring back the McRib
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet