Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
You Might Also Like
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
This hospital has everything
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*