In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
uncle dave has been through hell
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane