I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Cats (2019)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
From Facebook just now…
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?