It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.