Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.