Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget