God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
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Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
wtf management?!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you