If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
True?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.