my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My work here is don’t.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.