Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My blood type is b hungry.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅